The word "identity" keeps reminding me of matrices.

Not too long ago, I rewrote part of the song "Code Monkey" by Jonathan Coulton and put it on Facebook. My version had to do with my own personality traits and my current programming class (the professor is a character, let me tell you). I was going to re-post it here, but a number of things held me back. For one thing, I'm not quite as irritated by that class as I was when I wrote it. More importantly, I don't really want to go around defining myself as a programmer.

Most of you know fairly well how much I have identified with being a "geek" or "nerd" or both - it depends on how you differentiate between the terms. There are, of course, other ways I've tried to categorize myself over time. In high school I often thought of myself as "the quiet one"; I can now say (more to the point) that I struggle with many social fears, or that I'm INTJ or PhlegMel or what have you. As such, I'm compelled to be precise, to make sure I'm using the correct words for everything. So I really enjoy this process of self-discovery - not even so much for its own sake, but for the sake of knowing and telling the truth.

Every so often I'll be reminded that it's not about me, it's about Christ. I wholeheartedly agree, and I try to keep that as my perspective. Even so, it's not automatically wrong for me to want to understand myself. It may, at times, be the wrong thing to focus on, but the Spirit will let me know if that's the case.

Ultimately, God wants every part of me, right? That includes my identity. But I can't give something to God if I don't know what it is. The transaction is pointless unless I count the cost before making the choice. And so I had to come to understand what my identity would be *without* Christ, in order to be able to sacrifice that to Him.

This is not to say that I haven't been a Christian up to this point, or that I'm not saved, or that I never really had a relationship with God, or anything of the kind. But I've been missing out on some true change in my life, because I've been holding things back from God. I've wanted to be holy... but not really. "Change me, Lord, take away this or that bad habit... just don't make me put real effort into schoolwork, or change the way I dress, or believe that I have any ability to make people happy. Being lazy, unfeminine or reserved is just part of who I am when no one's looking, and I'm comfortable with that. I know some people expect more of me, but they're being unreasonable."

So far, so obvious. Everyone who chooses to follow Christ will keep finding things they need to hand over to Him over the course of their lives. But what about the things that really *are* part of my identity - my personality, emotional trends, preferences, dreams, and ways that I care for other people? Isn't God going to use me in a unique way because of these? Or does He want to transform all of that too? I really don't know what God intends to do with me, but I do know that I must be willing to give up everything, even the good things among what makes me who I am, if I am going to live as the new creation.

It scares me, to be honest. God has given me a vision of what my fully transformed self would look like, and one of my first reactions is to say "That's not me". But it already is, in any moment that I fully trust God. And when I am afraid, I have this motivation to fall back on: not obligation, nor even simply God's love, but God's glory. Since I am sure that God will be more glorified in my transformation than He would be if I remain as I am, I am willing to see it through.